SWINE FLU IS STUPID (this is why)

Borderline hysteria is quickly rising over this swine flu, and I think its nonsense. It absolutely blows my mind because as much as yes, this is a "cause for concern" (and I quote President Obama) but the sudden onslaught of medical masks and school closures is a bit ridiculous.

Here in Fort Myers at the FGCU commencement, graduates were not permitted to shake the hand of the University President, Dr. Wilson Bradshaw.

I'm not concerned, so let me break it down:

--800 people (as of Sunday, reported by the CDC) in 11 countries have been diagnosed with H1N1, also known as swine flu. Now, keep in mind, there are 6,000,000,000 people in the world, so the percentage infected is .00000133% of the global population.

--The highest number of deaths has been reported in Mexico, and, to me, there are several outlying factors that have to be taken into account. In some of the poorest parts of the country, there is a lack of healthcare, widespread malnutrition and crowded conditions. Keep in mind that in the 19th century during the influenza outbreak, the flu was called the "crowding disease."

--Thousands of people die yearly from seasonal influenza, virtually the same disease with just a different source (i.e. not from pigs). In fact, rarely people die from the flu itself. Seasonal flu, just as swine flu, is fatal most often from the complications that arise (most fatally being pneumonia.)

That being said, tomorrow I will be doing the one thing that would put most hypochondriacs into unprovoked anaphylactic shock: flying on an airplane. 

This is my swine-flu-can-suck-it act of rebellion. I'm going to be on a surgical mask safari because I will be flying through some of the most central airline hubs from Fort Myers International Airport to Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

Things I am more concerned about than contracting swine flu:

• Heidi & Spencer procreating.  

These two just got back from their honeymoon in Mexico, and were spotted making out with their masks on. Let's hope that there aren't any mini-famewhores mid-gestation in Heidi's spray tanned mid-section.

• The United Airlines $15 bag-check fee for the first bag. Really? I'm flying United Airlines tomorrow, so I plan on bribing the bag check guy with $10. 

(bribing works. Last year, I came back from Seattle with two bags that weighed over 50 lbs and was facing a $150 fee to check my bags. $20 cash to the dude at curbside saved me some serious bills.) When traveling you are forced to bring at least one bag, so don't charge for the first one. To me, charge the people who find the need to bring six suitcases for a weekend trip to Montana.

• Latest reports that Paula Abdul kicked her painkillers habit. American Idol is going to be seriously less entertaining. Somebody bring back Sanjaya so I have someone on that show to make fun of for a straight 60 minutes.
• Lee going to Pakistan. 

My favorite half-Paki (a.k.a. Sarah's boyfriend) is making a trip to Pakistan this summer, and amid all the craziness going on with the war on terror I would like the XY chromosome in my third wheel trifecta to return to the US safely.

Off to Seattle tomorrow. See you soon, swine flu.